I have several friends who have lost loved ones in recent weeks. I’m sure everyone reading this has experienced death or loss in one way or another. It is difficult to know what to say in these times. We want to say just the right thing so that people are amazed at our compassion and care. And we also want to fix it! I heard some advice on this very subject a few days ago that I’d like to share.
Todd and Angie Smith had three beautiful daughters when they discovered they were expecting a fourth child. However, at 18 weeks they were told that their daughter would not be able to sustain life once she was born. Angie carried the baby to term and were blessed with 2 ½ hours of holding her until she went into the arms of Jesus. One month later, Angie’s sister-in-law lost her child to SIDS. This is too much for most of us to comprehend. But Angie points to a passage in Job that showed her what they needed to do. Neither had words to express themselves so they sat in one another’s sorrow. Words were not necessary.
In case you are not familiar with Job (pronounced like robe not rob), let me summarize the first two chapters. Job was a Godly man, blameless in the eyes of the Lord. One day Satan appeared before God after “going to and fro on the earth, and walking up and down in it.” Satan told God, in essence, that it was no wonder Job was faithful. God had blessed him richly and protected him. Satan was sure that when push came to shove, Job would sin and curse God. So God gave Satan permission to test Job but Satan could not touch him. Soon Job lost everything—his seven sons and three daughters, all of his livestock and most of his servants. This is Job’s response:
“At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.’ In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” Job 1:20-22 NIV
Satan appears before God again. “’Skin for skin!’ Satan replied. ‘A man will give all he has for his own life.’” God then gave Satan permission to test Job again but Satan could not take Job’s life. Job then got sores that covered his body from head to toe. His not-so-supportive wife told Job to “curse God and die” to which Job responded “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
Here is the part I wanted to point out:
When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. Job 2:11-13 NIV Emphasis mine
What could they possibly say? All Job had left was his wife! They didn’t even recognize him because of all that had happened.
We would do well to take direction from these friends. Once they did speak we can see why it was best they stayed silent (but that’s another story!).
The best thing most of us can do to comfort someone is to be there for them, especially when emotions and pain are raw. They will reach out to us when they are ready. I know this is difficult because silence is not something many of us experience often but when you are hurting, the presence and care of someone you love means more than any words possibly could. But even if there is no one physically with you, the Lord is always there to bring comfort like no one else can.
“I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13b NIV
So, whether you are the one sorrowing or the one offering comfort, look to the One who comforts and He will give you strength.
Have a great day!